Saturday, June 12, 2010


Aaah, so it hasn't been long since i've updated!
Only 3 days!
I thought I should update NOW because i'm going to be with my cousin for the next 9-10 days!!
So no updates during the 13th-22!
Lately, I'm having LOTS of mixed feelings :/.
Get ready for some serious shock.
For a little bit I thought I was completely over Matt.
I'm not sure if I am.
I know.
This is really surprising for me too.
My whole blog has been written of my strong, passionate feelings toward my situation of unrequited love with an average guy who was slightly out of my league but not hugely.
I felt empty.
It's almost undescribable how I felt.
So empty.
I felt like I worked for nothing.
I felt nothing when I thought of Matthew
Who I thought could've, possibly, have been the biggest love of my life.
I thought he was the one, I was destined to be with.
Maybe not forever, and maybe 3-4 years later when I've moved on.
It may only last a week.
But I thought I knew, destiny would put us together somehow based on our chemistry and amazing times together as good friends that have always had each other's backs.
This empty feeling was almost unbearable.
My friend who I use to think was a biotch, Jenn, manipulated me to believe I liked Connor for a full night.
I text him, told him I was over Matt, and everything was different.
Connor begged to know who I liked.
You'd think if I really liked him, I would tell him the truth.
I told him to forget about it.
I was going to sleep on it.
Make up my mind.
The next day, when I returned home, that's when I felt the sudden emptiness that haunted me. I felt...
I didn't like Connor.. AT ALL. Not even a tiny bit. And I felt.....
I didn't like Matt either.
This emptyness I feel is slightly undescribable.
I felt like my embarrasment, my twisted, guilty emotions, sucked me into a black hole of despair. Everything I worked for was gone. I felt nothing when I thought of all of mine and matt's memories, and the way he'd smile at me, how his eyes would light up and make everything okay, despite knowing he didn't like me.
I felt like I was some kind of heartless, robot.
I didn't feel anything.
The only thing I felt was shame.
Shame of myself.
For getting someone's hopes high.
For making someone thinking I liked them, and than I change my mind at the last second.
I felt shame when I thought of how hard I worked for Matt.
We became really good friends.
Maybe not intimate, or together..
But good, dependable friends to each other.
But also proud.
I didn't know him till this year, and we became like brother and sister.
Thats why it was so awful to look it.
Everything I worked hard for, slipped right out of my hands.
Sure I still had Matt as my brother-like friend.
But my feelings towards him had vanished.
They dissapeared into nothing.
And nothing was emptiness.
I always had something to work hard for.
A journey, an adventure.. a quest. A goal.
And when my feelings went away, that's when I felt my emotions gave up on me.
I tried everything to trigger back up my feelings for Matt.
It didn't work.
I tried so hard, harder, the hardest.
How could I leave an unfinished quest?
Good question.
My answer..
No motivation. Losing all hope from before. Losing the momentum of it all just because everyone is spreading apart, and we have a 2 month break..
Why should this summer vacay always have to change everything? So many situations.. I thought to myself.
I text Matt.
He text back..
I asked him a question..
He started replying with full sentences..
This made me happy.
I'm still confused till this day.
Only a day after he could seriously like me, there was a big chance he could one day..
I blew it all by giving up.
Not even by choice.
But now I realize..
I dont know what I want to do.
And the next time I see him..
I will decide.
When I start seeing him daily again..
Thats when I'll know for sure.
I'm leaning more towards liking him.
Don't worry.
I still have a big chance of him liking me.
About.. 60% chance depending on how I play my cards..
Even if I dont like him even 3 quarters as much as I did, should I give up..when, this could finally be my chance? Or should I move on to bigger things and give up everything i've worked for out of exhaustion and guilt of liking him for so long..
First choice sounds better, doesn't it?
There may be no spark anymore for me..
But this is my chance that I have to take.
Just having lots of faith that this will all pay off, and that spark I felt so uncontrollably will come back.
I have to trust my heart.
Im not giving up on you, Matt.
I think I may still love you..
But im not so sure anymore.
But I promise, not to give up.
Even if the rest of the world wants me to.
You are still everything to me, don't you see?
Even if we are just friends, or if we are more than friends.
I think I'll always love you.
But maybe not in an intimate way
Right now..
Im not giving up.
Im struggling not to.
My emotions are mixed. They are oddly telling me to just give up on everything. Well, Im not listening.
Im going with what I think is right.
Going for you again.
And accomplishing something.
Actually, Im not sure if this is right.
But i'm going to try.
Because honestly matthew, I don't want to give up on you.
Because I think something could happen between us.
Love forever.

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